Bound by Blood
by Pandesme
Summary: The Marauders made a magical oath in their first year and it changes the very course of history, because they swore to be loyal to each other above all others. Peter does not betray them, James and Lily do not die, and Harry is still BWL. Eventual JP/SB and Lily/Snape.
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter and I am not making any money off of this.

AN: This is a AU so yes I have changed things. You'll notice things like Peter;s father, and Lily's mother amung other things. Anything you nictice that does not follow cannon has been done on purpose :)

Also I want to warn everybody that **this story contains slash. **It will (eventually) be JP/SB.

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**Prolog**

* * *

James Potter, Sirius Black, Remus Lupin, and Peter Pettigrew were as close as friends could be. Three quarters way through their first year at Hogwarts and already they were more like brothers then friends. The long year of pranking, detention, and sneaking around after hours had brought them closer together then most best mates. Until one day they found out something about their friend, Remus that would spark a change in their friendship so strong it would forever change their lives.

They had been putting the clues together all year before finally coming to the conclusion that Remus Lupin was a werewolf. Not that this bothered any of them, quite the opposite. When at last they had worked up the nerve to confront him, Remus had thought they were saying they no longer wanted to be friends. It took some convincing but finally he believed them, and in that instant the bond between the four of them strengthened with the weight of the secret they swore to keep.

That night as they all sat in their dorm talking Peter couldn't help but think that it would be nice to be able to share his secrets (not that he had many) or darkest fears with his friends. He noticed how much lighter Remus seemed, with the weight of hiding his secret gone. He wondered if he would feel that way, if he was able to tell his friends his secrets. But how could he tell his friends about his abusive father? How could he tell them that he hated it when they teased him because it reminded him of his father? How could he tell them that he worried he was only a hanger on in their group? Not as strong, or powerful, or smart as they were.

It was along this train of thought that the idea came to him. They were brothers weren't they? So why not make it official? A brotherhood of sorts? They could take an oath, to share their secrets with each other, and guard each other's secrets, to always remain loyal to each other no matter what, and to protect each other. The others thought this a brilliant idea, and they planned to have a ceremony to mark the beginning of their brotherhood and to take their oath that weekend.

When the day came they had gathered all the necessary supplies, food from the kitchens, candles ("for dramatic effect!"), a ceremonial dagger they had... borrowed... from the trophy room, and they had built a makeshift fort in their dorm room. When everything was set up they sat in a circle and James declared that they should decide on what to include in the oath.

They all agreed upon loyalty to each other above all others, until Remus asked about their future wives. "Won't we have to be, er, loyal to them first?" The others just stared at him, still naive enough to believe that girls were _gross _and that this would never be an issue. Sirius told Remus that "Proper best mates wouldn't let a _girl _come between them" and that seemed to settle the issue. When Remus then brought up the issue of future children, could they be loyal to them first or would it still be each other? It was then decided that yes future children would be the only exception to this rule.

Next they agreed upon sharing all their secrets with each other, which immediately brought up debate on exactly what that meant. Sirius insisted that it would be impossible to share absolutely _everything _because that would mean they'd have to share every single thought they had, which would be impossible to do and probably drive them insane. So they discussed at length what would have to be shared and what could be left unsaid. It was finally agreed upon that all secrets of things that had happened or you were planning on doing, or anything along those lines must be shared, while only major secrets and thoughts of any other variety must be shared.

James then brought up the subject of other people's secrets that they knew, did they share those too? And it was decided that yes they had to share those secrets as well since they are also agreeing not to tell anyone outside of the four of them about their secrets. Remus then brought up the subject of wives and kids and their secrets. So sticking to their earlier agreement it was decided that spouses secrets had to be told, while kids secrets could be kept (because as James said "I'd be grounded every day of my life if my uncle told my parents half the things he knows I've done.").

Next they agreed upon keeping each other's secrets _no matter what. _This was unanimously agreed upon. But it felt uneven, only having three points to the oath when there were four of them so they also agreed that if one of them needed help or something and it was within their power to do something for that person then they would.

This settled they readied themselves to take the oath. James raised his right hand in the air, before Sirius declared that he was a wizard not a muggle and that he should use his wand. Rolling his eyes James raised his wand in the air and said "I solemnly swear to be loyal to my brothers above all others, to share my secrets with them and to protect theirs, and to help them should it be within my ability to do so." His wand flared brightly, and then James set it down and picked up the dagger, slicing the palm of both of his hands neatly. He held his left hand over the bowl and let some blood drip into it, and used his right hand to press a bloody fingerprint to the paper on which they had written down the full oath and guidelines of it.

This was repeated by Sirius, Remus and Peter and once done Remus picked up the paper and set in the bowl with their blood and placed his still glowing wand tip to the paper. As the others pressed their still glowing wands to the paper the golden glow left their wands and seemed to transfer to the paper itself. They couldn't help but glance at each other, was this normal? But they didn't speak they just continued on with their ceremony.

The each grasped each other's hands so that the cuts on each hand aligned with the other one, until finally the circle they were sitting in was joined. Glancing at each other James spoke first. "We've sealed our oath in blood so that it may last an eternity..."

Sirius spoke next "And mixed our blood in this bowl so that we may become brothers..."

"And placed our oath in this bowl so that our oath may be absorbed into us and become a part of us just as the blood mixed in it may declare us brothers..." Remus said quietly, somewhat alarmed that the paper was glowing much brighter now, and seemed to be _absorbing _the blood it lay upon.

"And now we have joined hands to seal our oath and cement our brotherhood." Peter said rather nervously as the paper absorbed the last of the blood in the bowl and shone a brilliant gold before seemingly turning into a molten gold liquid of some sort. They barely had time to look at each other in alarm before the liquid divided itself and shot _into _each set of joined hands, splitting again and entering into each boy through the cut on the palms of their hands.

A searing pain unlike anything they had ever felt before, both terrible and wonderful at the same time. It quickly faded and Sirius asked shakily "Was that supposed to happen?"

The others just shook their heads, they hadn't meant to do a magical oath and none of them recognised what had happened as any known magical oath. James finally rolled his eyes "You just had to tell me to use my wand didn't you?" So just like that the tension faded and they decided not to worry about it at that moment. But little did they know that this oath would changes the very course of history and for better or worse had yet to be seen.

* * *

In the weeks following each of them noticed a difference, they felt _compelled _to tell each other certain things and although they could resist, it wasn't easy. They also found themselves agreeing to do things they may not have otherwise done, for instance Remus ended up doing Peter, James, and Sirius' homework on more than one occasion. But the most noticeable thing was that each of them were slowly getting sick. It started off harmless enough, headaches that soon progressed stomach-aches that progressed to achy bones which led to lack of sleep. Eventually it got to the point where the professors had noticed and they were confined to the hospital wing.

Stuck in the hospital wing it hadn't taken them long to figure out what the problem was, their oath was definitely magical which explain the compulsions they were having, and Remus assumed that they were getting sick because they weren't fulfilling the requirements of the bond. Namely the secrets part. He explained that maybe it was because they hadn't shared their secrets yet that this was happening.

He went on to explain that they probably had to share everything, from before they went to Hogwarts and during. He reminded them of the wording they had used: _all secrets of things that have happened or you were planning on doing, or anything along those lines must be shared, while only major secrets and thoughts of any other variety must be shared, along with anything that could be detrimental to you. _"We were too vague I think, but we didn't realise that we were taking a magical oath." Remus said.

"But we know all of each other's major secrets..." Peter shifted uncomfortably as Sirius said this, he still hadn't told them about his father.

"Well yes, but we were too vague; we'll probably need to share more than just that. For instance _thoughts of any other variety must be shared, along with anything that could be detrimental to you_; the bond could take this to mean anything from a threat from someone to your own thoughts like blaming yourself for something..."

James let out a groan at this, "We're not going to have any privacy are we?" He turned out to be right.

They stayed up late into the night talking, Remus talked about his family and how he hated the way they looked at him with fearful pity. He spoke at length about when he got bitten, his various fears of never being accepted, never having a family, of being alone. He spoke about his childhood and various things that had happened, as well as every other random thing he had never dared tell anyone before. By the time he was finished it was dawn and he was feelings significantly better, although the others were still feeling quite wretched. They decided that it must be tied to your own secrets, that if you didn't not fulfil the oath then your health would start to fail. ("We'd probably end up dying." Remus said absently to which Peter shuddered dramatically.)

The next night was James' turn. He spoke of his loneliness growing up, isolated from other children and with (extremely kind and wonderful) but older parents. He spoke of his hope and dreams, of the desire he had for attention because he had felt so alone growing up, he told them of his stutter and how he had to take special lessons to make it go away but it still came back when he was really upset. He told them of how he had nearly drowned when he was five and how he now had a paralyzing fear of deep water when he couldn't see the bottom. He told them of various pranks and other things that he had done over the years prior to Hogwarts, as well as how all his grandparents were dead. When he was finished it was once again light out, and he felt much better.

On the third night Sirius spoke of his family, and the pure blood mania that he had been force fed his entire life. He spoke of how his parents had always favoured his brother over him, how they found him a disappointment. He spoke of his uncle whom he liked, and the only cousin he liked, Andromeda. He told them about Kreacher, the house elf his mother left in charge of him, and how the house elf liked to lock him in small dark spaces, and how he would deny him food, and the nasty things he would whisper to him at night. He spoke of his longing to escape his family, and his dreams for the future.

On the forth night in the hospital wing it was finally Peter's turn, and at first he could barely get the words out. But once he started the story just seemed to pour out of him. He told them of his abusive father, and his mother that was a closet alcoholic. He told them of how he spent his childhood taking care of his mother because she was incapable of doing so herself. He told them how his father would get so angry and beat him for no reason at all, and how he let him because he was afraid that his father would hurt his mother if he didn't. He spoke of how he once had a broken arm for three weeks before his father finally took him to see a healer. He also told them how grateful he had been to have friends like them, that would help and protect him, but how he hated it when they made fun of him because it reminded him of his father.

By the time he was done he was exhausted but felt much better. Not just physically but emotionally, as if a weight had been lifted from his shoulder. James, Sirius, and Remus had been horrified. Horrified that their friend went through that, and horrified that they hadn't known. The next day they were released, and although they felt significantly better it took weeks of night long talks before they finally knew everything about each other and were back in full health.

* * *

As their first year drew to a close they tested the boundaries of their bond, and found they could last about a week before they got the beginnings of a headache. They decided that they would have weekly "meetings" to talk and make sure they shared anything they needed to for the bond. That summer was hard, for they weren't able to get together. They spent many long hours writing to each other nearly every day to keep the bond at bay. Even this didn't help fully, and by the end of summer they were headachy and beginning to get sick.

In the years that followed they tested the boundaries of their bond and perfected ways to fulfill their oath. Sirius in particular became quite good at deliberately not thinking about things that would turn into important secrets if he didn't think about them. It had been awkward when during their second year Sirius had discovered the pleasure of a good wank. He had of course told his friends immediately, as the bond required. But it was quite embarrassing and made for a very awkward conversation. It got less awkward of course once they started doing it too, since now he wasn't the only one having to share humiliating details.

As they got older they named themselves the Marauders, and each was given a nickname based of their animagus form. They had decided to become animagus' to help Remus during his transformations, and would have done so regardless of the oaths agreement that _if one of them needed help or something and it was within their power to do something for that person then they would._

The bond as they called it was a double edged sword. On the one hand it allowed them to share even their darkest fears without fear of ridicule, while at the same time allowing them no privacy from each other. It both helped them because they always had to help each other if it was within their power to do so, and made it harder for them for that very reason. Of course they had no problem helping each other, and would do so with or without the bond, but the bond made it so that they had to help each other in ways that they shouldn't have been forced to. For instance Remus often ended up having to do all of their homework to _help _his friends because it was within his power to do so, but got so over worked that they in turn had to help him. It was a never ending cycle.

Another good thing was that Peter was not the hanger on his might have otherwise been without the bond. The bond made it so that his friends helped him outside of class, because it was in their power to do so, so that he was on their level as far as spell casting went. He was more confident, and didn't hero-worship them as he may have ended up doing. The bond also prevented Sirius from playing a particularly nasty trick on Snape involving Remus during his transformation because _loyalty _to his friends overrode his desire to get back at Snape.

As they got older Sirius had to try even harder not to think certain things, especially about James. If he thought about it then it would be real and he would be forced to tell them, but as long as he didn't think about it then he didn't have to say anything. When he slept with his various girlfriends he most certainly _did not _have to imagine that it was a guy he was with just to get it up, and he most certainly _did not _wish that it was James in particular.

The first time he slept with a man he knew that he would have to tell them, the bond always made them share every time they had sex. And it wasn't like he could just _not think_ about it while he was doing it to make it so he didn't have to tell them. But he was the best at manipulating the bond, so when he told them he had had sex with "Andy" he let them assume he meant Andrea his ex girlfriend, when in fact he meant Andrew, a Ravenclaw in the same year as them. With that done all he had to keep telling himself was that he was not gay, and that he hadn't lied, and then go back to just not thinking about it. It wasn't easy, but it worked, and Sirius ended up doing this quite often.

As they entered into their seventh year James and Lily finally started dating. James loved Lily, and she loved him. Although it often bothered her how he would always turn to Sirius and his friends whenever he needed help, rather than her. It bothered her how he always took their side in an argument, and always stuck up for them over her. But she told herself it wasn't a big deal and that when they got married things would change.

James for his part felt guilty. He knew Lily knew he kept things from her, but the bond wouldn't allow him to tell her. He kicked himself for not agreeing with Remus that fateful day when he suggested that Wives be an exception. He also felt bad every time he had to take the Marauders side or Sirius (since he seemed to not get along with Lily very well at all) over Lily. He could see that it hurt her, and that was the last thing he wanted to do, but their bond made it so that they were loyal to each other above all others (with the exception of their future children.)

After they got married Lily noticed that really, nothing had changed as she hoped it would. But she loved James so she put up with the fact that he always took Sirius' side, always turned to them with his problems and worries, and seemingly spent all of his free time with them. When she found out she was pregnant she thought that perhaps when the baby was born things would be different.

But nothing changed. Sirius was named Godfather, and that Marauders were around even more often if that was even possible. Between Harry and the Marauders she felt as if James barely had any time for her. When they found out Voldemort was after Harry they had been terrified. James had stayed with her for a few hours, comforting her as he got increasingly pale before he finally left to go speak to his friends. She couldn't help but resent the fact that he could talk to them but not her.

James was terrified, they knew there was a spy in the order and he was worried that if he didn't go into hiding quickly with Lily and Harry that the spy would be able to direct Voldemort to them. He could tell that Dumbledore thought the spy was one of the Marauders, but the four of them knew better. They were loyal to each other above all others, save Harry whom all of them put first. The bond would never allow one of them to turn to Voldemort, not that any of them would have wanted to.

After discussing it they decided to use Sirius as their secret keeper, and Lily couldn't help but resent the fact slightly even though she knew he was a good choice because he would never betray James or Harry. They arranged to do it the very next day, on Halloween. Harry wouldn't be able to be present while they preformed the charm so Lily arranged for him to stay with her mother that night.

When Voldemort found out where Harry Potter would be that night he immediately went after him. He killed the older woman and then cast the killing curse on Harry, but it rebounded onto Voldemort himself. Leaving him without a body and Harry with a lightning bolt scar. When the alarms went off signalling something had happened, they rushed over to Lily's parent's house. When James saw the ruins of the house his blood ran cold and his only thought was _Harry. _

But Harry was alive, and from that day on known as the boy who lived.

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So there you have it, that was just the prolog so its meant to be a bit vague. Drop me a review and let me know what you think!


	2. Chapter 2

For as long as Harry could remember (which admittedly wasn't that long as he was only five years old) his parents hadn't gotten along. He liked it when they were at parties or out in public, because it was times like that when his parents would smile and act like a real couple. Harry didn't understand why, he was far too young for that. He had thought that it was normal for mums and dads to sleep in separate rooms; he had thought that it was normal for mums and dads not to talk to each other (except to fight). Of course, that opinion changed when Harry had a sleep over at his friend Neville's house for the first time.

Neville's parents slept in the same room, they talked to each other, and more than that they were affectionate with each other. Harry couldn't understand it. Why didn't his parents do the things Neville's parents did? Harry would like it if they were more like Neville's parents. He hated it when they fought with each other. His mum would yell and scream at his dad about Uncle Sirius, Uncle Remus, and Uncle Peter. Harry didn't understand that either, why didn't she like his Uncles?

Then his dad would yell right back at her, and Harry would hide under his blanket and pretend that it wasn't happening. He would pretend that they loved each other, and that they were happy. He couldn't help but feel responsible, like it was his fault that mummy and daddy didn't like each other. Maybe if he hadn't been born then they would like each other still? After all they had to have liked each other before he was born, or they wouldn't have gotten married, right?

Sometimes when the fighting got too bad and Harry couldn't pretend that is wasn't happening, and he got too scared, he would sneak into the parlor and floo to Sirius' house. He wasn't supposed to floo by himself, mummy said it was dangerous. But he had to go somewhere where he felt safe, away from all the screaming. This time his parents weren't just screaming at each other, they were breaking things too.

"YOU'VE ALWAYS CHOSEN THEM OVER ME! YOU'VE ALWAYS TURNED TO THEM FIRST, TAKEN THEIR SIDE! NEVER MINE!" Harry couldn't hear his dad's reply over the sound of breaking glass. He pulled the blanket tighter over his head. It wasn't real, this wasn't happening, they were a happy family.

"You don't understand!"

"Well maybe I would if you just told me _why!_"

"I can't!"

"But you can tell them? I'm your wife! You're supposed to put me first, before them!"

"It's not that simple! It's more complicated than that, I don't have a choice!"

"You always have a choice! Let's pretend for a second that that is true, that for some reason you really can't do it. Let's pretend for a second that I actually believe you. Now answer me this James, if you could tell me would you?"

Harry's dad was silent for a moment too long. "If you have to think about it, then I already have my answer James. Why bother hiding behind excuses? You won't tell me why you put them first, why you constantly choose them over me because there is no magical reason other than the fact that I don't mean as much to you as they do." Harry didn't wait to hear his dad's reply; he slipped out of bed and made his way into the parlor to floo to Sirius' house.

Harry stumbled as he got out of the fireplace, and slowly walked further into Sirius' living room. He couldn't see Sirius anywhere, but he could hear noise coming from the kitchen. Pushing open the door to the kitchen Harry saw Sirius, Remus, and Peter sitting around laughing and drinking.

"Harry?" Sirius asked, concerned, as he got up from his seat and made his way over to his godson. "What are you doing here? What's wrong?" But, as he crouched down in front of Harry and picked up his now crying godson, he knew he already knew the answer to his question.

Harry just shook his head and buried his face in the crook of his Godfather's neck. Sirius felt his heart clench, Harry had come to him before during some of James and Lily's fights but never before had he been this upset. Sirius slowly rubbed calming circles on Harry's back, "Are your mom and dad fighting again?" He felt Harry nod against him. He could feel Harry start to cry some more, his small body shaking with the force of it.

"It was really scary." Harry whispered quietly, but Sirius heard him anyways. And judging from the look on Remus and Peter's faces he figured they had heard him too. Harry couldn't stop shaking as he quietly cried into Sirius' shoulder.

"It's okay Harry, I've got you now." Sirius said as soothingly as he could, "Everything is going to be okay. You're safe with me." In that moment Harry felt warm and safe as he always did with his godfather. In that moment Harry felt sure that Sirius loved him, Sirius would always be there for him in a way nobody else was.

Eventually Harry calmed down. Although Harry had been more upset this time then he had been in the past Sirius was fairly used to Harry coming to him in these situations. Sirius would calm Harry down and reassure him. Then he would make them both some hot chocolate, and take Harry to sit in front of the fire while they drank their hot chocolate. Sometimes Sirius would tell Harry stories, and sometimes they would play games. Then Sirius would put Harry to bed in the room Sirius kept for him in his flat. After that he'd send a message to James letting him know where Harry was.

The bond the marauders shared would normally force Sirius (or any of the four of them) to tell each other about something like this. However, when they made the pact and formed the bond they had made their children's secrets the exception. James was obviously aware that Harry came to Sirius, and Sirius hadn't exactly kept it a secret from Remus and Peter. But, he hadn't talked about it with them either.

So, obviously Remus and Peter were fairly concerned. They did a good job of following Sirius' lead though, as it was obvious to both of them that this wasn't the first time this had happened. An hour later Harry was tucked in bed, sound asleep, and Sirius had sent off a message to James letting him know where Harry was. Now, the three friends sat in the kitchen once more.

"How often has this happened Padfoot?" Peter asked tiredly, he felt awful for Harry. He knew what it was like to grow up in a home with parents that were constantly fighting.

"Not that often."

Remus merely raised an eyebrow, "Even with all the fighting James and Lily have been doing? You know how much worse it's been getting."

"It's been happening more often lately." Sirius admitted, scrubbing his eyes. "Each time Harry is more upset. This can't continue, it's not good for any of them."


	3. Chapter 3

Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter, and I am not making any money from this.

**AN: IMPORTANT! **Firstly, I would like to remind everyone that this story will be _SLASH_ so if you don't like that then please do not read this. Secondly, this is NOT a Lily bashing fic, but it might seem like it a teeny bit in this chapter. I hope it doesn't seem that way, but I want to assure you that even if it does seem that way in this chapter that is not what the story will be like. I'd also like to remind everyone that the pairings so far are going to be JP/SB and Lily/Snape. I know who Harry will be paired with, but I'll announce that when we get closer. Lastly, I'm just writing this story for fun. Yes it will not be perfect.

* * *

The following months passed by in a blur for Harry. At five years old he couldn't understand why his parents didn't just smile and love each other the way they were supposed to. He spent a lot of time at his friend Neville's house; he liked staying at Neville's because he got to pretend that he was part of a happy family. He also spent a lot of time at his Godfather's house. His mummy and daddy's fights were worse than ever, and Sirius was the one that played with him and helped him when he was scared or feeling sad. Harry always felt happy and safe when he was with Sirius, he didn't understand why his mummy didn't like Uncle Sirius. Sirius was part of the family.

A month before Harry's sixth birthday his mum and dad sat him down. They told him that they loved him, but that they didn't love each other anymore. They went on to explain that this didn't mean that they loved him any less, but that they had divorce because all this fighting wasn't good for any of them. Harry didn't understand, all he wanted was for them to be a happy family. Had they loved each other before they had him? Was it somehow his fault that they didn't love each other anymore? They said it wasn't, but what if they were lying? What if it really was his fault?

They explained that there was some things that they needed to sort out, and that it would take a while. Harry would be going to stay with Sirius for a few months while they did that, but they both assured Harry that they would still see him every day. Harry could tell that his mum was upset about the idea of him staying with Sirius, but Harry also knew that his mummy didn't have any real family. The next day his mum helped him pack all the clothes and toys he would need while he would be staying with Sirius. She kept crying off and on, which made him feel bad. He didn't want his mum to be sad! The next day Sirius came to pick him up, and his mum cried even more.

* * *

Divorce was not a common thing in the Wizarding World. It was far trickier then it was in the Muggle world, as Lily was quickly finding out. Lily had never imagined her life turning out this way, her marriage ending in divorce. She had loved James once, had foolishly thought that he loved her the same way. But he hadn't, had he? He always, always, put the marauders before her. Always took their side, always stood up for them if she was fighting with one of them. They were the ones he turned to first, not her. Harry was nearly six now, and he had so far never known a home where his parents weren't fighting. It wasn't fair, to put her son through that. It also wasn't fair for her, to go her whole life being in second place to the one man that should have put her first.

But finally they had both agreed, they couldn't put Harry or themselves through this any longer. So, divorce it was. They had decided to sell the house, and split the money. James had refused at first, insisting that she should take all of the money from the sale of the house. But she couldn't stand the thought; she didn't want another reminder of her failed marriage. With Harry staying at Sirius' it was easier to get the house ready, and it sold quickly. Then they had to get the lawyers involved, and it was fairly easy to come to an agreement. James took everything that had already belonged to him or his family, and she had taken everything that had belonged to herself. Neither of them had wanted the things that they had bought together, so they were all sold and the money split between them. James had offered her spousal support, but she had refused. She didn't want his money, or his pity.

After only three weeks they had nearly everything settled. They only thing that remained was custody of Harry. Lily knew that James had assumed that they would have shared custody, but she wanted full custody of her son. He was all she had, her only family. She couldn't stand the thought of not seeing him every day. James hadn't taken it well, he insisted that he had been more than generous but he would never agree to give sole custody to her. That was when it had gotten ugly. He tried to convince her again to agree to joint custody, but Lily couldn't do it. Harry was her son, and she wanted to raise him as she saw fit. She wanted to see him every day, to be the one to tuck him in at night, and to be the one he turned to when he needed someone. She wanted Harry to put her first, above James. Was that petty? Yes, she supposed it was. But it was also human of her.

When she refused the idea of joint custody for a second time, James in turn filed for full custody as well. The custody battle lasted for weeks. Lily stayed with Alice and Frank Longbottom for the first week, before using her portion of the house money to buy a flat. She had decent enough savings, but the lawyers bills were piling up. She hadn't worked since before she had Harry, but she knew it was time to start working again. She got her old job at the ministry back fairly easily, although the money was not as much as she needed it to be if she did end up getting full custody of Harry.

The Wizarding world didn't have the same system as the Muggle one, and custody battles were rare. But finally, twelve weeks (three months) after they had sent Harry to live with Sirius while they sorted this out, the case was brought before the Wizengamot. Her lawyer presented her case as best he could. He showed them that she had a flat of her own, and a steady job. When James' lawyer presented James' case Lily knew she had lost. James had Potter Manor, a family fortune, a high paying job, he had already procured child care for while he had to work (Remus), and he had the benefit of showing that he had originally pressed for joint custody. James' lawyer also pointed out that James had made numerous offers of spousal support to Lily, but that she had refused.

In the end the Wizengamot had ruled in James' favor, and Lily could feel her entire world crashing down upon her in that instant. James had full custody of Harry; he had the legal right to make Harry's decisions. He had the right to have Harry live with him full time. If only she had agreed to joint custody when he had offered it… but she had been angry. James had tried to speak with her afterwards, but she left before he could find her. What she wanted was to see her son, to hold him. But she couldn't do that now, not without James' permission or unless it was her visitation days.

When she returned to her cold empty flat she had never felt more alone. In that moment she needed a friend, not Alice who never could understand the situation fully. Not Mary, who would try to cheer her up in all the wrong ways. She had lost everyone else, all her other friends to the war. Her parents were dead, and her sister hated her. She had no one. She sat curled up on her couch crying for hours. Numbly, she found herself leaving her apartment. She had to get out; she had to clear her head.

A few hours later she was shocked to realize she had instinctively gone to the one place, the one person, she had never thought she would see again. It was nearly three in the morning, but she knocked on the door anyways. She kept knocking louder and louder until finally the door opened.

"Lily?" She had never seen Severus so shocked before.

* * *

The last three months had passed in a blur for Harry, a very happy blur. It was nice living with Sirius. He liked that there was no yelling, and that he never felt scared. Sirius made him breakfast lunch and dinner, played with him, told him stories, and took him places. Uncle Remus and Uncle Peter were always around too, and everyone was always laughing. He saw his mummy and daddy once a week, sometimes more. But his mummy was always sad, and his daddy was always stressed out. Harry didn't like that very much. He missed them of course, but at the same time he didn't. It was confusing.

But Sirius told him that he would be going home soon, but not back to Godric's Hollow. Sirius told Harry about Potter Manor. Sirius told Harry a lot of other things, about his parents and love. Harry was excited, but scared at the same time. Sirius seemed to understand that though. So Sirius held Harry as he cried, and told him everything would be okay. He made them hot chocolate and they drank it in front of the fire. Sirius always did this when Harry was upset, and once again Harry felt better. Just like he always did.

James rubbed his eyes tiredly as he walked into Sirius' flat. It was late, it had taken James a while to finish filling out all the paper work that the ministry required. James could feel his headache getting worse, as it had been for the last few weeks. He was starting to get sick too, in the familiar way of the bond. It had been too long, two full weeks, since he had been able to properly unload to the Marauders the way that the bond required. He knew the others would be feeling it by now too.

It was hard to resent the bond, although he knew that without it his marriage to Lily would not have failed. But despite all the hardships the bond brought, it also gave him the three best friends he could ever imagine. Of course it was frustrating having no privacy. The bond forced them to tell each other everything. It forced them to keep each other's secrets. It forced them not to tell anyone about the bond. It forced them to help each other. To be fair, they would have done most of that with or without the bond.

Following the quiet voices of his friends into the kitchen he asked "How's Harry?"

Sirius gripped his arm. "He was upset tonight, but he's better now. He's asleep." Sirius pushed him into a chair. "You look like hell mate."

"I feel worse." James sighed, running his hand through his hair.

"You got full custody?" Remus asked, sitting across the table from James.

"Yes. I knew I would, but…"

"But it doesn't feel right." Peter stated, studying his friend's tired face.

James nodded. "I'm going to offer her joint custody again. Not legally, I'll keep full custody. But Harry needs her to be a proper part of his life. It wouldn't be right to deny him that. "

"James" Sirius said as he sat down in the chair beside him "it's not your fault mate. You tried to get her to agree to joint custody, she's the one that pushed for full custody in the first place. You offered her everything you could. You tried your best, and you're doing the right thing now – even though I'm pretty sure she wouldn't have done the same thing for you had she been the one to win full custody."

"I know Pads. I just feel like it's all my fault. It my fault our marriage didn't work out. If it weren't for the bond it might have worked out between us. But, I wouldn't trade the bond for my marriage to Lily even if I could." James sighed, covering his face with his hands. But he could feel the headache lessening already, the bond easing up now that he was talking to his friends. "I feel guilty that even if I had the choice I'd still choose the bond, and that I'd still choose you lot, over her."

The four friends spent the next few hours talking, sharing guilty feelings over James marriage, among other things that the bond required them to tell each other. Eventually they called it a night. Sirius went to bed and James, Remus, and Peter crashed in the living room. The next morning Harry greeted James enthusiastically, and the rest of the marauders helped James and Harry settle into Potter Manor.

* * *

The months following the move into Potter Manor were stressful and James and Lily settled into a pattern with Harry. Lily had been grateful that James was willing to share custody, even though he'd be keeping full legal custody. She knew that he didn't have to let Harry get equal time with her, but she was very grateful that he did. Eventually they fell into a rhythm. The each kept Harry for two week periods, and managed to stay civil with each other in front of Harry.

Lily was very slowly starting to reconnect and reform her friendship with Severus, and both James and Lily were slowly recovering from the divorce. Lily was doing well at work, and spent more time with her friends then she had when she was married to James. James found himself more relaxed not having to worry about Lily not wanting him to spend as much time with his friends. He felt better than he had in a long time, since the bond was no longer constantly put under stress.

Harry slowly got used to his parents living apart, although it was still hard at times. But he could tell that things were better now, and that both of his parents were happier. His uncles were at Potter Manor more than they were at their own homes, and Harry loved having them around. Uncle Remus looked after Harry when his dad was working, and he did the same for Lily. Remus not only took care of him when his parents were working, but he also tutored him. Sometimes he would let Neville come over and they'd get to do their lessons together. Peter always made time for Harry, and often took Harry and Neville out to muggle places, like the Zoo.

Three years passed in much the same manner. Lily and Severus had fully reformed their friendship, although she was still unaware that he was in love with her. James and Lily fought about Severus a lot, although never in front of Harry. Remus continued to tutor Harry, Peter continued to be the fun Uncle, and Sirius continued to be the best godfather ever. Harry considered Sirius to be one of his parents, although he was never brave enough to tell him that. Neville and Harry were best friends, and had sleepovers at each other's houses, and did their best to try and pranks on various family members. Lily had started dating off and on, although never anything serious. James was completely over Lily, but he never even thought about dating anyone. He didn't want to go through what he went through with Lily again. It had been three years since the divorce, Harry was now nine, and although they still had bad times things were much better on the whole then they had been when James and Lily were still together.

* * *

I live for reviews, so let me know what you think! The next chapter is written, and will be far more interesting than this, with more actually going on. This chapter was more just setting the scene and giving background. JP/SB will (slowly) start in the next chapter :)


	4. Chapter 4

Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter, and I am not making any money off of this.

**AN: For the ages of the Characters I'm going with what I found on the Harry Potter Wiki. The Wiki says that James Potter was born in 1960, and that Harry was born in 1980, which makes James exactly twenty years older than Harry. Since Harry is nine years old at this point in the story that makes James (and the others) 29. **I also want to thank everyone for the reviews, alerts, and favs - you guys are the best!

* * *

Sirius Black was many things, but gay was not one of them. Well, at least that's what he told himself. He was also not, under any circumstances, in love with his best friend –James Potter. Sirius most certainly _did not_ imagine that it was James underneath him instead of the random muggle he had picked up. He _did not_ wish that that it was James moaning his name, that it was James' cock he was rutting against. Sirius maintained a very thin balance, he told the marauders about each of his conquests as the bond required. He made sure that they all had names that could be male or female like Andy, Sam, or Jordon. He told himself that he didn't need to tell them that he was gay, because he told himself he wasn't gay. He didn't need to tell them that he was in love with James Potter, as the bond would require him to do, because he convinced himself that he wasn't in love with James.

But it was a fine line, and it was a line that he would not be able to walk forever. It had been hard when James was with Lily, having to convince himself that he didn't hate Lily because she had James and he didn't. But she didn't have James anymore, and it had been three years since the divorce. Sirius had been toeing this line since sixth year, and each year, each day, it because more difficult to do. It became more difficult each day to convince himself that he wasn't in love with James. He couldn't allow any of those thoughts to pass through his mind even once, because if they did the bond would react and he would have to tell them

He knew they wouldn't care if he was gay, although he _definitely wasn't,_ but loving James went hand in hand with being gay. He couldn't think about one without thinking about the other, which is why he constantly had to convince himself that neither was true. James was straight, completely and utterly straight, and if Sirius was in love with James (he _wasn't_) then the bond would compel James to help Sirius. Sirius couldn't allow that, couldn't do that to his friend. It would be no better than rape. So that was what he thought about as he fucked the man underneath him. _I'm not gay. I don't love James. I'm not pretending that it's James underneath me. This isn't happening. There's nothing to tell._

* * *

It was the beginning of Lily's two weeks with Harry, and the Marauders were having their weekly bond meeting. They saw each other every day anyways, but it helped to have an official time and day to tell each other everything the bond required them to. Remus was already at the Manor, having just finished with Harry's lessons for the day and sent him to Lily's. James got off work about a half an hour prior and the two of them were attempting to make some food for the night.

"We're not exactly what you'd call master chefs are we?" Remus said ruefully, as he tossed the smoking pan into the sink. James shook his head, laughing as he threw an entire batch of meat pies (that more closely resembled Hagrid's rock cakes) into the garbage.

"Oh Merlin, please tell me you two did not try to cook again?"

"It's not that bad." James said, but Peter merely laughed as he walked farther into the room.

"Mate, I could smell the smoke from the parlor when I flooed in." Peter poked at the mess in the sink. "What were you trying to make anyways?"

"Meat pies." Remus also poked at the destroyed pan interestedly. "I'm not sure what we did wrong to make them both hard as rock, and yet have the consistency of jelly…."

Peter laughed. "I'm surprised you guys haven't given up on learning to cook, clearly you're both rubbish at it."

James glared at the ruined food, as if it had personally offended him. "We followed the directions. It should have worked." And damn it, he was not pouting. He was twenty nine years old, he did not pout.

Peter just laughed again. "Sirius not here yet?"

"No," Remus replied, as he rummaged through the cupboards. "And we have no food either."

"I'll floo over to his place; it's his day off so he's probably fallen asleep or something."

"Raid his cupboards while you're there James!" Remus shouted after him. "See if he has anything remotely edible!"

Flooing into Sirius' flat James called out his friend's name. Getting no response James walked past the living room, and down the hallway heading directly for Sirius' room. There was a locking charm on the door, and he assumed there was a silencing spell since his knocking was getting no response. It wouldn't be the first time Sirius had drank too much the night before a bond meeting and locked himself away in his room to sleep off his hangover. They were all used to it, and usually just barged in anyways.

When James unlocked the door and stepped into his best mate's room he'd been expecting to see Sirius lying in bed with a raging headache. He had not been expecting to see his best mate facing the door, a _guy_ underneath him. Sirius didn't notice James at first, and James stood frozen to the spot. Horrified he had just walked in on his best friend having sex, _with a man, _he started to back out the door.

Hearing the shuffling of his feet Sirius' head snapped up, and his eyes locked straight onto James'. James could see his own horror reflected on Sirius' face as Sirius stuttered to a halt, his hips bucking of their own accord as he came. Sirius immediately leapt off the man, "James I-"

James was beyond embarrassed. Holding a hand in front of his eyes he said, "I shouldn't have barged in, I thought… I'll just wait in the living room." James hadn't left a room that fast since the time he had walked in on his parents when he was thirteen. That hadn't been nearly as embarrassing as this was.

James sat on Sirius couch, waiting for him to get dressed and the man to leave. He supposed he could have left, but would be the point? The bond would force them to talk about it with each other, and with Remus and Peter anyways. It would be better to do it sooner rather than later. He'd been surprised to find Sirius with a man. Shocked. The bond forced them to tell each other everything, and Sirius had never mentioned having feelings for men before. Not that James cared, he'd just been shocked. And embarrassed at seeing his friend like that. He couldn't imagine what Sirius must be feeling.

"Just get out!" James heard Sirius yell, as the front door slammed behind the man Sirius had been with. James could already feel the pull of the bond, knew that Remus and Peter would be feeling it too. Slowly Sirius came into view; he had hastily thrown on a pair of pants but was still shirtless. To James Sirius looked like he was about to be sick. He was white as a ghost, and shaking.

James stood up as Sirius entered the room. "I'm so sorry Sirius, I thought you were hung over or something, or I never would have just barged in like that!"

Sirius just shook his head as he sat down in a chair. He leaned over and put his head in his hands, still shaking. James knew there was something more going on here, he could already feel the insistent pull of the bond that needed Sirius to tell him exactly what, and he could already feel the bond pulling him to help Sirius. But he didn't know how the bond wanted him to help.

"Sirius," James said, sitting on the table in front the chair Sirius was in. James tried to be both comforting, and get Sirius to talk. It just didn't add up, Sirius had never been interested in men before, or he would have had to tell the marauders because of the bond. Sirius also had to know that they wouldn't care if he was gay. Was Sirius freaking out because it had been spur of the moment to sleep with that guy, and now he didn't know what to do? "Sirius please. You're going to have to talk about it; you know the bond will make you. There's no need to try and put it off and wind up getting sick. I understand you must be confused right now, but you can talk to us. You know that. Let's go back to the Manor, Remus and Peter will be getting worried."

Sirius allowed himself to be dragged up and led through the floo, all the while thinking. _I am gay, and I'm in love with James. _When James had walked through his bedroom door he hadn't been able to deny it anymore. And now it was real, and now the bond would force him to tell them everything.

James could tell that Remus and Peter had been feeling the pull of the bond; they knew that something was going on. They were waiting for James and Sirius as they stepped out of the floo. James could see that Sirius was still in some sort of shock, so he pushed him down into the nearest chair. Sirius was still shirtless, and James wished he'd thought to at least grab him a shirt before dragging him to the Manor.

"What happened?!" Peter asked, taking in Sirius' white face. "We felt the bond start up, we were worried. Sirius, what's wrong?"

Sirius just shook his head. But they could all feel the bond, and years of experience let them know that it would be better to talk now rather than avoiding it and having the bond punish them. Since Sirius was in no condition to explain, James decided that he'd better just tell Remus and Peter.

"I, ah, walked in on Sirius. Having sex." James said, aware that he was blushing like a teenager would. Remus raised his eyebrow, clearly confused. Embarrassing situation? Yes. But it wouldn't cause the bond this much distress. "With a man." He added.

Remus and Peter's eyes went wide, both shocked. "Are you sure?" Remus asked in stunned disbelief. It didn't make sense, why would Sirius sleep with a man now? He'd never shown any interest in men before. He'd never told them he thought that he might be gay. The bond would have forced him.

James just nodded, "Pretty sure, yeah." He said, somewhat sarcastically. A quick glance at Sirius told him that he still wasn't doing any better, and James was getting quite concerned now.

Following James gaze Peter said "Padfoot, you must know that we don't care right? I mean we're just surprised is all, since you've never been interested in men before."

Finally Sirius seemed to gather his wits, and looking anywhere but at his friends he said "Yes I have."

Remus exchanged looks with James and Peter. "Sirius, you can't have because the bond would have made you tell us if you so much as started thinking about men sexually."

"Not unless I kept telling myself that I wasn't gay."

Sirius still wouldn't look at them. "Why would you do that Sirius?" James said, both bewildered and hurting for his friend. "You had to know we wouldn't care if you were gay."

"I know." Sirius ran a shaky hand through his hair. "I knew you wouldn't. But I couldn't…. The bond… I couldn't let myself admit it."

Remus studied Sirius carefully, "That can't have been easy."

"But now you have to admit it, because you let yourself admit it enough to finally sleep with a man? And then James walked in, making it real, making it impossible for you to deny anymore?" Peter said carefully, summing up what the three of them thought the situation was. James watched as Sirius laughed humorlessly. Sirius was pacing now, and James could tell he was struggling. Clearly they had come to the wrong conclusion, and clearly Sirius was fighting the bond –not wanting to tell them whatever was really going on. James could tell when Sirius finally gave in to the inevitable; the bond would force him to tell them sooner or later.

"No, I…" Sirius turned to face them "That wasn't the first time."

"It wasn't?" Remus sounded as stunned as James felt, how was that possible? "But it had to be, the bond would have made you tell us if you were sleeping with men."

"It did." Sirius said quietly. "I just… I let you think that they were all women. And I told myself that I wasn't gay, despite having sex with men. It was enough to appease the bond. But now, when James walked in and saw… I couldn't deny it anymore."

"You said you told us when you slept with men, but I think I would have remembered…"

Sirius looked directly at James as he answered, "Andy, Jordon, Sam, Taylor… I told you their names. Every time I slept with someone. I just…"

"Slept with men whose names we would assume belonged to females." Sirius nodded at Remus, once again not meeting any of their eyes.

"Merlin Sirius," Peter breathed. "Just how long has this been going on?"

"Since the end of fifth year." Sirius replied, the words seemingly wrenched out of him against his will.

"Fuck." James swore, staring at his best friend. "But why Sirius? Why go to all the trouble? Wouldn't it have been easier to just admit that you liked men, to just tell us? Why hide? _Why put yourself through this?_"

"Because, Because I had to!"

"That's not a reason Sirius! I refused to believe that you put all that time and energy into convincing yourself that you weren't gay _despite the fact they you've been sleeping with men for years _just because 'you had to!' We all know how strong the bond is, and how hard you must have worked to keep yourself from admitting it just so that the bond wouldn't force you to tell us! I want the real reason!"

"Because I had to James! I had to protect you from the bond! It wouldn't be right, but the bond would force you anyways _to help me_ and I couldn't stand it if that happened because it'd be no better then, then rape! I did it because I don't want to hurt you!"

"Why?" James asked quietly, looking Sirius directly in the eyes. "Why would the bond force me to help you?" The bond was screaming at all of them, and James knew that whatever Sirius said next would be the real reason, the real reason Sirius would do this and the real reason the bond had been pulling at them all night.

"Because I'm fucking in love with you Prongs!"

* * *

AN: Well there you go! Now they all know, its definitely going to get more interesting from here! It'll still be fairly slow going though, to the falling in love part. But that doesn't mean that there wont be lemon-y goodness before then. I'll warn you now, some of the action (so to speak) will be because the bond forces them to help each other. So nothing will be non-con, but it may be slightly grey I suppose because of the bond -as I said before. Consider yourself warned!

**As always, review and let me know what you think! The next chapter is already written and should be up soon :)**


	5. Chapter 5

Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter.

AN: This chapter and the next few are going to focus mainly on James and Sirius, but Harry is the main character and will take more of the focus later.

* * *

In a distant part of his mind James registered that Sirius looked horrified. He also registered that Remus and Peter looked about as shocked as he felt. He hadn't been expecting that. Not at all. He loved Sirius, as a brother. He was completely straight, and he knew Sirius knew that. He didn't know how to feel. His mind was racing, going through all the ways that the situation could be made worse by the bond. It would force Sirius to tell them things he wanted to do with James, or at least James assumed it would since that's what the bond had made him do when he first fell in love with Lily. The bond would also force James to share his feelings about what Sirius had just said, about how Sirius felt. What had Sirius said before? He'd kept himself from admitting to himself that he was gay and in love with James because he thought the bond would force James to help Sirius, even though he was straight. Fuck.

"I know you're straight James." Sirius babbled. "I don't expect anything; I never wanted this to happen. I can't help it, I'm so sorry." Sirius kept talking but James wasn't really hearing him. Was it bad that he was so shocked? He was having trouble wrapping his mind around the idea of Sirius being in love with him. He noticed that Remus and Peter were also standing there in stunned silence. He knew they were just as shocked as he was, the bond had forced them to become beyond close over the years and James knew that like himself they couldn't imagine falling in love with another Marauder.

"Sirius." James said distractedly, and Sirius stopped talking immediately. "Did you say it been like this since _fifth year?_" Sirius nodded, not looking James in the face. James was really wishing that he had grabbed Sirius a fucking shirt. "Fourteen years?" He asked incredulously.

"James…." Sirius trailed off.

"Fuck. Sirius, I don't know what to say."

"It's fine. I know that you're straight James; I know that you think of me like a brother. Fuck, the four of us are brothers in every way that matters. I know this is fucking awkward, and I know it's going to get even more awkward."

"You know I don't think of you any differently right? That I don't think less of you? You're still as important to me as you've always been."

"I know. Of course I know." But James could hear the pained tone in Sirius' voice. The bond was pulling at him, wanting him to help Sirius, but he just didn't know how.

James could feel a headache coming on again. It felt like first year when they had just been discovering the full extent of the bond. But they'd been dealing with this for eighteen years now, and they knew that they were in for an extremely long awkward night. The bond would make each of them tell each other how they were feeling about Sirius' revelation. It would also make Sirius share in greater detail his feelings for James. James remembered the hours he had spent telling the marauders about why he loved Lily, his fantasies about her…. all because of the bond. He could only assume that the bond would make Sirius do the same.

Remus and Peter took control of the situation at that point. It had been a long time since they'd had to deal with such a serious matter. But they had dealt with, well not similar obviously, but equally difficult things in regards to the bond before. They had a system they'd developed over the years on how to most effectively give the bond what it wanted. Remus and Peter went first, sharing their feelings about the situation. Then James had to share his. Which hadn't been easy, since he was still so shocked. Sirius had been next, and it hadn't been easy. The four of them talked until the sun rose before the bond was finally satisfied. It was decided that Remus, Peter, and Sirius would crash at the Manor, since they all had rooms there anyways and they were all physically and emotionally exhausted.

* * *

Sirius looked up as James knocked on the door frame of the room he always stayed in at Potter Manor. "I brought you these." James said, holding up some of his night clothes.

"Thanks." Sirius muttered, as James passed the clothes to him.

"Look Sirius, I—" James was biting his lip, and the hand that had been holding the clothes moments before was now clasping Sirius forearm. Now that Sirius had admitted to himself that he was in love with James he was hyper aware of everything James was doing. And if he didn't stop chewing on his damn lip soon then Sirius was going to have a problem a little further south to worry about. "I…"

"It's okay Prongs, You don't need to say anything. I'm fine. I want us to be fine. You want us to be fine. Everything is fine." James' frown told Sirius quite clearly that everything was not fine. Sirius couldn't help himself from staring at James' lips as he bit them worriedly. Sirius felt the bond pulling, and wasn't that a bitch? Now he knew how James had felt every time he'd had to tell them some embarrassing turn on he had with Lily. "You need to stop doing that."

"Doing what?" James asked, genuinely confused.

"Biting your lip like that." Sirius shifted where he was standing, turning his eyes away from James' yet again. "It's distracting." The bond was still pulling at him, and he could tell that James could feel it now too. Why the hell had he ever thought it would be a good idea for James to hold his wand while making that oath? There was nothing for it; he'd have to spell it out. "It's turning me on." Sirius said, trying his best to sound normal, like it was something he said to James every day. He couldn't help but curse the bond in his head.

James stopped immediately, and flushed. "Ah."

Sirius groaned. "This is worse than when we were teenagers."

"It really is." James said, with feeling. "I've never felt so bloody awkward in my life."

The situation did not get any less awkward in the following days. The bond continually forced Sirius to tell James, Remus, and Peter how he felt about James. It compelled him to tell them any intimate thoughts he had about James, and wasn't that just the most embarrassing thing Sirius had ever had to do? It wasn't easy being forced to tell your best mate every time he did something completely innocent that just happened to turn you on. It wasn't easy being forced to tell your best mate about the dreams you'd been having of him going down on you. It also wasn't easy having to list to your best mate be forced to tell you how uncomfortable it made him feel to hear you think about him in that way. It wasn't easy having to know that the man that Sirius was in love with was completely straight. Sirius knew it wasn't any easier for James, Remus, and Peter. He knew how awkward it was for them to have to listen to him talk about James.

The fact that James insisted on treating Sirius exactly how he had before didn't make things any easier. James was determined not to let this affect their friendship, and went out of his way to treat Sirius as he always had, no matter how awkward the situation was getting. Sometimes this only served to make things even more awkward. James had always been affectionate, but now the innocent slaps on the back, the hugs, and the occasional rough housing affected Sirius in far different ways then they had before. Which would lead to the bond forcing Sirius to tell them some of his more inappropriate thoughts, and then they would have to tell Sirius how they were feeling, and then James would be even more determined not to let this affect their friendship –effectively starting the entire cycle over again. The marauders were used to having to share details about their sex lives; they had all had to do it on a regular basis. But it was different when it involved one of them.

* * *

Two weeks passed by quickly, and Harry would be coming home from his stay with Lily. All of the Marauders were nervous about this, things were not any less awkward and Harry would be bound to notice. According to Remus, Harry had already been able to tell that something was off during their tutoring lessons.

James paused in the doorway to the living room, on his way to get Sirius and Harry for dinner. Sirius, Peter, and Remus all had their own places but they more often than not chose to stay at the manor. It was a good thing too, since without Peter around James and Harry may very well have starved years ago. As James stood in the doorway he watched his best friend play with his son. If anyone had asked him what he felt in that moment, watching his son and Sirius together, he wouldn't have been able to tell them.

He knew that Sirius loved Harry, loved him like a son. Sirius had always felt that way about Harry, and had always been there for Harry. James knew that Harry was just as crazy about Sirius. It had been that way ever since Harry had been born. But watching them in that moment something about it felt different to James. He felt differently about how much Sirius loved Harry. Not in a bad way, but he'd never really considered Sirius' love for Harry before. He'd just taken it for what it was. He'd never stopped to think about.

But knowing what he knew now, that Sirius was in love with him, had changed something. James wasn't sure what; he couldn't put his finger on it. But his heart swelled a little, watching Harry and Sirius together. It was nice to know that somebody that loved Harry just as much as he himself did. James had never felt anything in particular when he had watched Lily and Harry together. But maybe that had been because Lily hadn't loved him, not in the way that Sirius did. It was nice, in an odd way, to know that someone loved him. At the same time it was awful, because he could never feel the same way about Sirius.

* * *

Another two weeks passed by in a blur. Things were just as awkward as ever, and it had been an added stress trying to keep things normal in front of Harry. But Harry was once again at Lily's, and James knew that something had to change. They couldn't keep going like this, it was too hard. In the four weeks since James had found out Sirius was in love with him, James had felt the bond pull at him continually in the way it always did when there was something he could do to help one of his friends. It was getting worse, the pull getting stronger. James knew it would only continue to get worse until James managed to do whatever it was the bond wanted him to do to help Sirius.

The only trouble was that James couldn't figure out what it was the bond wanted him to do. He'd been doing his best to act normally, thinking he could help Sirius by not letting things change. He'd had in depth heart to hearts with Sirius, thinking that would help. But nothing did. James had gotten off work early, having finished the paper work from his latest case, and decided to have a long relaxing shower to rid himself of the stress he was feeling over the situation. The bathroom in the master bedroom was in need of repair due to Harry and Neville's latest prank, so he went to the guest bathroom.

Usually James wouldn't think twice about leaving the door open. The only ones that could possibly walk in on him would be the Marauders, and they had seen each other naked so often through their Hogwarts years that it had stopped mattering somewhere along the line. But now that he knew Sirius was in love with him, he didn't want to create another awkward situation. It was hard, listing to his best mate tell him how he wanted James to blow him, how he wanted to touch him. The last thing James wanted was for Sirius to walk in, and the bond force them into another awkward situation. But at the same time he didn't want to lock the door and have Sirius think that he was afraid of him, or shutting him out, or any other manner of stupid things that Sirius would probably think.

In the end he left the door open, just like he always did. But Potters had never had the best luck, so it really shouldn't have surprised James when Sirius walked into the bathroom just as he was stepping out of the shower. At first James forgot why he was supposed to be feeling awkward, and just stood there naked and unashamed as he had always done. Of course, he remembered a split second later as he felt Sirius' eyes rove over him –lingering on his crotch- before he made a chocking sound and turned away. Sirius turned and made his way to the door but James, still naked, got there first and blocked the way.

The pull of the bond demanding he help Sirius was stronger than ever, he couldn't handle it anymore. Something had to be done. "Sirius, if you keep running away every time we end up in an awkward situation we're never going to get passed this. Something needs to change; we can't keep going like this."

Sirius just shook his head, resisting the bond. He tried to push passed James, but James wasn't moving. Both of their frustration at the situation and the bond seemed to boil over in that moment. Sirius tried to push passed James again, but this time James shoved him away. Refusing to let him out before they talked. That was all it took, and a moment later they were fighting. Struggling against each other, taking out weeks of frustration on each other.

Sirius managed to push James away from the door, but before he could open it James had grabbed him and pulled Sirius towards him. Sirius twisted out of James hold and slammed James against the wall, pushing up against him angrily. James brought his hands up toward Sirius, intending to either punch him or push him away –he wasn't really sure which. But Sirius intercepted his hands and grabbed them, pushing them roughly above James' head. They struggled some more, each of them angry at the situation and angry at the bond.

They'd fought before, a hundred times before, so James hadn't thought anything of it. Hadn't thought about the fact that he was naked, and fighting with Sirius. Hadn't thought about the effect this could possibly have on Sirius. He was brought back to reality rather abruptly as he felt Sirius' hard cock pressed against him as they struggled. He became suddenly aware of Sirius' labored breathing, and stopped struggling immediately. Sirius seemed to realize the situation a split second after him because he backed away from James as if he had suddenly caught fire.

James could see the horrified look in Sirius' eyes, and the pull of the bond became momentarily overwhelming. Sirius couldn't look James in the eye, and would have left if James hadn't said "Don't. Please Sirius. The bond…. I can't take this anymore."

Sirius seemed to struggle with himself, but felt the pull of the bond telling him to help James by staying and talking. "James…" Sirius breathed, still turned on and humiliated. James watched his friend, could tell the bond was going to force him to talk. Sirius' voice sounded strained. "I can't. I… I want you too badly. Right now. Fuck. You're like something out of a fucking wet dream, I can't handle it."

The words spilled out of Sirius, propelled by the bond. "Merlin James, I can still feel you pressed again me, naked and wet. I want… "Sirius couldn't look at James, and James couldn't seem to look away. He stared at Sirius in horrified embarrassment, very aware that Sirius was still hard. "I need to…" Sirius gestured to his crotch.

James hadn't felt this slow since he was a kid; of course that was why Sirius wanted to leave. He had to, err, relieve himself. The thought made James uncomfortable, and he couldn't help but wonder how often his need to act normally had affected Sirius in this way. He knew Sirius thought of him sexually, since the bond had forced Sirius to tell them. But somehow he hadn't made the connection to the fact that Sirius would react to him physically. And because he'd thought of it now, the bond forced him to ask. "How often?"

Sirius just stared at him. "What?"

James blushed. He was twenty nine years old; he hadn't blushed this much in nearly ten years. "I'm sorry, I didn't want to ask. But I thought… and then the bond…"

Sirius groaned. "If this fucking bond doesn't stop forcing us to have conversations like this then I may actually die of embarrassment." Sirius paused, feeling the pull of the bond. "How often do I have to… take care of business?" James nodded, embarrassed. "Every day."

James chocked a little. "Because of me?"

"Is that so hard to believe? I'm sorry Prongs; I know it makes you uncomfortable. I know you don't feel the same way. But I just can't help it."

James shook his head. "I just don't understand how you can feel that way. About me. It doesn't make sense."

Sirius rubbed his eyes, still painfully hard. He wished James would grab a towel or something, but James had seemingly forgotten that he was naked. It took all of Sirius' will power not to stare at James' body outright. "It's because of who you are. All the reasons you love me as a brother, they're the same reasons I'm in love with you. And I can't help it that you're…" Sirius gestured at James' body helplessly "hot."

James just stared at Sirius. He'd known for four weeks now that Sirius was in love with him. He'd known that Sirius thought of him sexually. But somehow it hadn't felt real. But now, seeing Sirius struggling with himself, seeing him as turned on as he was, made it real. James felt something click in his head, the continual pull of the bond wanting him to help Sirius. This was what it wanted, for James to help Sirius sexually. The moment the thought occurred to James he could feel the pain of the pull lesson, and knew beyond a doubt now that that was what it wanted. The bond had decided that James was capable of helping Sirius in that way, regardless of how he himself felt.

James felt panicked thinking about it. He wasn't gay, Sirius was like his brother. What was he supposed to do? To deny the bond meant a slow but steady death. But now that he figured it out he felt the bond pull him in a different way, wanting him to tell Sirius. Merlin, James wondered what privacy felt like. "Sirius, there's something I need to tell you." Sirius was still having trouble looking at James. "The bond, it's been pulling at me to help you, and it's been getting worse. I hadn't realized what it wanted until now."

Sirius knew what was coming next; it was what he'd been afraid of all along. The very reason he had kept himself in denial for fourteen years. "It's decided I can help you sexually." James couldn't look at Sirius as he said it.

"No. No James, I can't let you… it would be like rape. I can't. That's why I denied myself for so long, because I didn't want this to happen! I can't do that to you."

"I know Pads" James said softly, "But if I don't then the bond…"

"No."

James couldn't let this continue. He stepped forward and in one swift movement he was cupping Sirius' cock through his pants. "If you're so against it Padfoot, then why are you still hard?" James pressed his hand into Sirius cock, and Sirius bucked against him involuntarily. James wasn't turned on at all, he felt awkward. It felt wrong to be doing this. But he had to. And he'd heard enough of Sirius' fantasies to have a vague idea of what to do.

He started to palm Sirius' cock through his pants, and listened as Sirius groaned his name. Sirius bucked sporadically, and James paused momentarily. At a loss for what to do next. Nothing held any appeal to him, but the bond was lessening with every moment he spent touching Sirius.

Suddenly Sirius ripped himself away from James, turning so his back was facing him. "No. James stop. This isn't. This isn't what I want. This isn't what you want. I want you to want me, but you can't force that. And I don't want you like this; I don't want you to force yourself."

"Sirius, I have to help you somehow. It's already helped, the bond was getting unbearable."

"No."

"I need to do something Sirius, you know the consequences if I don't. I know that you would never force me, and Merlin know I don't like this anymore then you do. But I have to do _something."_

"Go on a date with me."

"What?" James asked, stunned.

"That's what I want. Just one date. It'll appease the bond."

James knew his best mate better than anybody and could always read him. He could hear the nervousness in Sirius voice. Sirius really did want a date, a real date, and not just to appease the bond. James said the only thing he could. "Okay."

* * *

**Leave me a review and let me know what you think :)**


	6. Chapter 6

Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter.

AN: Woah, this one got away from me. I wasn't intened the date to go this way, but sometimes the characters have a mind of t heir own.

**WARNING! LEMON AT THE END OF THE CHAPTER.**

* * *

In the days that followed James watched Sirius. They had agreed that The Date would take place on Friday, three days after the bathroom incident. The situation between the Marauders hadn't been so tense since their first year when they first formed the bond. They had all had to share everything about themselves because of the bond; they were used to it by now. They expected it, it felt normal, and even natural (if embarrassing at times). It had been years since they had been so aware of their lack of privacy, so aware and tense because of the bond.

It wasn't that they hadn't all been in the situation Sirius was in, more or less. Because they had been. Whenever one of them dated someone, or in James' case got married, the bond made them share everything about the relationship with each other. Every date, every meaningful conversation, every kinky thought, basically anything and everything about the relationship. It was always embarrassing, to have to tell the others and to have to listen. But after eighteen years of living with the bond even that, the most embarrassing aspect of the bond, had become normal.

But it was different this time. Because this wasn't just some girl that they had to listen to Sirius talk about. Or even some guy. This time it was James himself. And wasn't that just the most screwed up situation ever? It wasn't often that you had to listen to your best mate talk about how much he loved you, or how much he wanted you, or why he wanted you. Not only that, but Remus and Peter had to be told as well, it was humiliating for all four of them.

The past few days had been even worse. Because Sirius really did want a date with James, a real date. The idea had been startling to James. He had known that Sirius was in love with him, and that Sirius wanted to… be with him that way. He'd had to listen to Sirius talk about it enough, and had seen the proof of it himself in the bathroom that day. But somehow, even with all of that, James hadn't realized that Sirius wanted a relationship. Oh, James wasn't an idiot. He knew that Sirius wanted a relationship with him, but somehow he hadn't equated that to dates, and partnership, and all the things that he had once wanted with Lily.

When the bond had forced them to tell Remus and Peter about the events in the bathroom, and the plan to go on a date, it had led to yet another long and in depth discussion. They had had countless in depth conversations about the situation over the last month, and still it was never quite enough to satisfy the bond on this particular topic. This had been a particularly hard one though, perhaps the hardest James had ever had. Sirius had been forced to tell them, to talk about dating James.

"I know it's not possible. I'm not- I mean, I know James is straight." Sirius had said, not meeting their eyes. "I know that you could never feel that way about me Prongs. That it will, or would, feel wrong to you."

James had just stared at Sirius as he spoke; he felt ill talking about it. For himself and for Sirius. "But I can't help but want it. A real date with you, and not a pretend one. And we all know that that is really what this is…."

"Padfoot…"

Sirius had just shaken his head sadly. "I know James. I know." And he must have, because the bond hadn't forced James to say anything. Which was just as well, because James wasn't sure he even knew what he was feeling. Remus and Peter had been doing their best, to support both Sirius and James. It was hard on them too; all of them feeling terrible for the position each of them were in.

The night before The Date, it deserved capital letters for the weight and significance it held for James and Sirius, James had asked Sirius what he should wear. It had been a strange feeling, that role reversal. Usually it was the other way around, a girl asking James that very question. James had never felt so awkward in his life.

* * *

The morning of The Date James was so nervous that he very nearly threw up. It wasn't often that he was this nervous, his first Quidditch match and the custody trial for Harry being two of the only examples that sprang to his mind. He took his time getting ready, Remus was already at Lily's for the day to tutor Harry and Peter was at work. Sirius had gone back to his place the night before, and when James had asked Sirius had said that it was because he wanted to be able to pick him up for the date.

Sirius had been so awkward when he'd said it, that James had realized just how badly Sirius wanted this date to go well. James knew Sirius knew that nothing would become of this, but Sirius was only human. Sirius hoped that it could go well. James wasn't sure what to think about that. But he loved Sirius, like a brother, and would do anything for him. He was going to do his absolute best to ensure that The Date went well for Sirius.

When Sirius stepped through the floo James couldn't help but notice that Sirius was wearing a shirt that he had bought for him for Christmas. James watched as Sirius ran a shaky hand through his hair before meeting his eyes.

"Hey." Sirius said, obviously aiming for a normal tone of voice but landing somewhere in between _bloody fucking awkward_ and _what the fuck have I gotten myself into?_

"Hey" James replied and _bloody fucking awkward _it was then. Silence filled the room, neither of them being able to look at the other. Unbidden, the image of his first date with Lily came to James' mind. He'd have died if it was this awkward to begin with; it wasn't the ideal start to a first date. James mentally shook himself; he could do this for Sirius.

"You look good James." Sirius said, before turning away.

"I – uh" James said awkwardly. "_You look good today Lily" James said nervously, hoping to make her happy. Hoping that it was the right thing to say. _"Thanks."

_Lily blushed. "You look good too James." James was relieved; he'd spent nearly an hour trying to figure out what to wear. _James remembered his first date with Lily, how nervous he'd been. How badly he'd wanted the date to go well, how much he'd wanted to impress her. How happy he'd been whenever she said something positive during the date. He could see those same feelings, those same hopes, in Sirius despite Sirius' better judgment. His friend was trying so hard, but he was only human and it was hard not to let yourself hope.

James reached out a hand and tugged at Sirius' shirt a little. "It looks good on you." He could do this, give Sirius this one date. At least he could try. He still felt nervous, and it felt wrong. He shoved the feelings down. This was for Sirius.

Sirius was staring at James, looking between the spot where James had touched him and James' face. His mouth felt dry, and his stomach swooped. He knew what James was doing; he could see how uncomfortable James was. He could see what it had cost James to say that, to do that. He knew he was a fool for allowing himself to hope, and tomorrow he'd go back to reality. But today, he couldn't help but want to let himself have this.

"I bought tickets to the Puddlemore game this afternoon, and then I thought – I thought we could go for dinner." Sirius averted his eyes and scratched the back of his neck nervously. "I made a reservation at that Italian place you like." Sirius glanced at James out of the corner of his eye. James was staring at him as if he had never seen him before, Sirius blushed faintly. "Of course if you'd rather go somewhere else—"

"No," James said, "No, that's fine. Good even. I—yeah." James turned back to look at Sirius. "Should we go then?" He gestured towards the Floo.

"I was thinking that we could Apparate." Sirius muttered, looking anywhere but at James. "Together."

James swallowed, uncomfortable. He remembered the first time that he and Lily had apparated together when they had first started dating. Lily had pressed herself against James, her hands going around his waist. He knew that Sirius wasn't expecting James to do that, but he knew Sirius was hopeful. Not for that exactly, but for the date to be a proper date. To be able to treat James the way he would on a real date. James could feel the bond pull at him.

"Alright." James stepped up to Sirius, close enough to feel Sirius' breathing increase but not quite close enough to touch. Sirius stared at James, and James could see him swallow. The bond pulled again, so James reached out and put his hands on Sirius' hips. He swallowed against the feeling of _wrongwrongwrong_ that rose up in him. "This okay?" He asked just to fill the silence.

Sirius nodded, and swallowed. James could see the hope and the happiness Sirius felt as James placed his hands on Sirius' hips, and he could also see Sirius trying his best not to hope. He could see Sirius' internal struggle, wanting to let himself have this one night and also not wanting to hurt James or make him uncomfortable. Again James thought back to his first date with Lily, this situation was different of course but Sirius was only human and despite his best intentions James knew Sirius was feeling those same things. James pushed down his own feelings yet again, and did his best to act confidant and not like he was freaking the fuck out. He thought about what he would want if he were in Sirius' position, about what he would want if this were him and some girl.

With his hands still on Sirius' hips he stepped marginally closer, so that their bodies were just barely touching. He could do this, he would do this. Sirius deserved it, and James would just do what he would want his date to do for him. As long as he focused on that, and not on how out of place and uncomfortable he felt, he would be able to do this. Looking Sirius directly in his eyes he said, "You can touch me you know. Tonight is yours; you don't need to worry about me. Act how you want to act, and touch me if you want to."

Sirius groaned. "Fuck Prongs, you're not making this easy." But Sirius reached out and put his hands on James' arms. He left them there for a moment before slowly running them down James' arms before letting go. Sirius locked eyes with James again, and they burned with that familiar _you dared me_ attitude. Sirius reached his hands up and lightly ran his knuckles along James' jawbone, trailing them lower and lower, down James throat, pausing for a moment to run his fingers along the lines of muscle on James' chest before continuing further south. James swallowed, resisting the urge to squirm uncomfortably as Sirius' hand ghosted along the waistband of James' jeans before settling on his hips. Sirius pressed their bodies firmly together and apparated them away.

* * *

Sirius had apparated them just outside of the stadium for the Puddlemore game. James let go of Sirius as soon as they finished apparating, but didn't step away. James noticed that Sirius let his hands linger on his hips for a few more moments before slowly releasing him and stepping away. James wasn't sure what to say, normally he had no trouble talking with Sirius and they always had a good time. But this wasn't like every other time they had done stuff together. This was a date, and James still wasn't sure how to act.

Sirius elbowed James, "You're still allowed to be yourself you know." James just stared at Sirius, unsure. He wanted to give Sirius the experience he wanted, a proper date despite how he himself felt. Treating Sirius the way he normally would, acting the way he normally did would defeat the purpose. Sirius sighed slightly, "I'm not asking you to be someone else James, you told me to act how I wanted –to do what I wanted without worrying. You need to do the same. I know you better then I know myself, and I'm in love with _you _so you don't need to pretend to be something else. Just be yourself, okay?"

With that said they made their way to their seats, and Sirius started to make conversation about Puddlemore's chances. Slowly James started to relax, they had been to numerous Quidditch games together and this wasn't any different really. They fell into easy conversation, and started joking around the way they always did. It felt normal, and James was glad to be rid of the awkwardness even if it was only for a short time.

Puddlemore was leading 240-170, and the Puddlemore keeper had just made a particularly good save when James felt Sirius put his hand on James' thigh. Sirius didn't look at him as he did it, and for a moment James felt incredibly awkward and entirely too aware of the decidedly intimate touch. But Sirius kept talking, and James forced himself to relax. This wasn't so bad, he could do this for Sirius. They stayed like that for the rest of the game, and other then Sirius hand on his thigh it was almost a normal afternoon.

When the game ended (Puddlemore won) James and Sirius stood, Sirius motioned for James to leave the box first and James was reminded again of his first few dates with Lily. Holding doors open for her, and just generally trying to be a gentleman. Sirius followed James out, and as they walked towards the apparition point Sirius placed his hand on the small of James' back. James swallowed thickly, acutely aware of the heat from Sirius' hand radiating onto him.

As they stepped up onto the platform Sirius stepped closer to James and once again placed his hands on James' waist before looking James in the eye. James could read the challenge in those eyes, the bold brashness that was so very Sirius. Sirius was getting more confidant, gaining his footing and starting to act like himself again after weeks of walking on eggshells and living in a constant state of embarrassment. James knew that Sirius was only capable of acting embarrassed and well not meek but something like it, for so long. Sirius had tried to protect James from the bond by denying himself for fourteen years, and in the weeks since everything had come out he'd been trying still. But James knew that Sirius could only manage that for so long, and looking into Sirius' eyes James' could see that Sirius was having trouble forcing himself to not do everything he wanted.

Sirius' eyes seemed to say _I dare you _in the way they always did when they were teenagers. His eyes said _I dare you _the same way they had the night of The Prank, _I dare you to leave me. _His eyes said _I dare you_ the same way they did when he found out that Regulus had died, _I dare you to make me care. _His eyes said _I dare you _the same way they did whenever Sirius had fought with Lily, _I dare you to come between us. _His eyes said _I dare you_ the same way they did when the two of them had been briefly caught by death eaters during the war, _I dare you to hurt me._ Sirius' eyes seemed to say _I dare you to make me stop wanting you, I dare you not to let me hope, I dare you not to let me want, I dare you to protect yourself because I don't know how much longer I can._

James could only hope that his own eyes said _you've protected me from the bond for fourteen years, but I can take care of myself. I know what I'm doing. Focus on yourself and let me help you. _And with that they apparated to the restaurant.

* * *

The dinner went well. They had arrived at James' favorite muggle Italian restaurant just in time for Sirius' reservation. Sirius had kept his hand on the small of James' back as they were led to their table. Sirius had ordered them both wine, and had poured James' for him. Maybe that was normal, James couldn't remember. But he was hyper-aware of everything Sirius said and did. When Sirius stretched his legs out so that they touched James' he had looked away for a brief second to calm himself down. He knew Sirius could see his discomfort, but every time James let Sirius make some small gesture like that he could feel the pain of the bond lessen ever so slightly, and he knew Sirius could sense that too. He knew that Sirius hated making James uncomfortable, but he also hated having James in pain. Sirius was forcing himself to ignore James' discomfort so that they could appease the bond. Overall it had been a fairly good day, uncomfortable at times but better then James had expected. When the bill came Sirius paid for it, and then apparated them back to just outside Potter Manor.

Standing on the landing by the front doors to Potter Manor Sirius and James stared at each other. James watched as Sirius shifted from foot to foot for a moment. "Thank you Prongs, for today." James just nodded. Sirius lingered for a moment before turning to walk away. James closed his eyes as the bond pulled at him incessantly.

James grabbed Sirius' arm and spun him back around. "Sirius." Sirius looked at James, both hopeful and unsure, and trying not to be. James didn't know what to say, but he knew what the bond wanted him to do, what Sirius was hoping for against his will and better judgment. James stepped closer Sirius, for a moment he was unsure how too this with a man. Which was silly, because how different could it be really? In the end he pulled Sirius to him the way he would have if he were a woman and pressed their lips together.

Sirius' head was exploding. He'd hoped that James would let him kiss him, but hadn't dared suggest it or make a move. He understood that James wasn't attracted to him, and didn't want to force James to do something even more uncomfortable for him then going on a date. He could feel the unease radiating off of James as they stood there, James' hands fisting Sirius' shirt and holding their bodies close together as he pressed their lips together. It only lasted a few moments before James pulled away. As he did Sirius couldn't help but stare a little, and watched as James blushed slightly, embarrassed.

Merlin but Sirius wanted to really make James blush, to see how far down it would travel. To find out if James would be aggressive or passive in bed, if he'd moan loudly and scream Sirius' name or if he'd bite his lip and try to keep the noise in. Of course now that he'd thought it he felt the bond immediately pull him to tell James, and wasn't this just fucked up as hell? He could see James' face twitch as he felt the pull of the bond; they all knew what it felt like when the bond was pulling one of them to tell each other something.

"Merlin James." Sirius breathed, trying hard not to groan. "I want you so fucking bad." But it wasn't enough, the bond wanted him to share more. Sirius shook his head, as if to rid himself of the pull that was getting stronger now. He hated the face that he had to do this to James, how awkward it was for James.

But James seemed to know what Sirius was thinking because he said "It's okay Padfoot, we all know what the bond is like. You need to talk, I've been there, I understand."

Sirius nodded shakily. "Prongs." He shook his head. "You have no idea. I've been trying so hard not to let myself want you but I can't help it. I can't control myself. I hate having to tell you how I have to toss off every day like some randy teenager because you do something completely normal and platonic and innocent that turns me on. I hate having to tell you how I wake up hard every night because I dream about you, about you going down on me, about fucking you, about going down on you. I want to make you blush, I want to make you scream my name." Sirius breathed heavily. "I should go."

James reached out again and put his hand on Sirius' arm. "Pads, why don't you come inside?" Sirius felt a jolt of electricity go straight to his groin at those words.

"James, I… normally there's only one reason I go back to a guy's place after a date."

"I know."

"You can't know or you wouldn't be offering!"

"I need this Sirius! The bond, it's too much. It fucking hurts, I need you to make it stop."

"The date…"

"Helped, but wasn't enough." James closed his eyes in pain, "Please Siri."

"James, I can't. I can't stand the thought of hurting you."

"You have to, or eventually I'll die. Please Sirius, this can't continue. The pull has never been this strong for me before."

Sirius could feel the bond pulling at him now. It was pulling at James to help Sirius by having sex with him, and now it was pulling at Sirius to help James by letting himself have sex with James. This was Sirius' worst nightmare, the very reason he'd lived in denial for so long. But despite all that Sirius was still turned on, and he hated himself for it.

Slowly Sirius nodded, and together they made their way into the manor. Once inside they stood their awkwardly. Sirius couldn't bring himself to touch James, knowing that James wouldn't get any pleasure out of it. It felt like forever that they stood there, but couldn't have been more than a few minutes. James finally made the first move, he pressed himself against Sirius and kissed him. But instead of a simple press of lips on lips James kissed Sirius aggressively.

Sirius groaned into the kiss and that was all James needed to move his tongue into Sirius' mouth. Sirius knew James had been with a lot of women, knew he had lots of experience. But he'd never imagined that a kiss could be that good. Abruptly James broke off. "I'm going to apologize now if I'm total rubbish at this Siri. I have no fucking idea what I'm doing, and I'm nervous as hell." Sirius knew the bond had made James tell him that. He was still too dazed to speak though.

He could feel James' hand on him, running further and further south and was reminded of those moments in the bathroom days before when James had palmed Sirius cock. He was completely hard, and jerked abruptly when he felt James' hands undoing his trousers. In one swift movement James had pulled Sirius' trousers and boxers down, while simultaneously falling to his knees in from of Sirius. Sirius' eyes widened, suddenly realizing what James was intending to do.

"James, no. You don't have to-oh!" Sirius' hips jerked helplessly as James took the head of Sirius' cock into his mouth. "James!" Sirius groaned loudly, his hips jerking out of his control as he felt James' hot wet mouth against his cock. He watched helplessly, harder then he'd ever been in his entire life, as James did his best to take the entirety of Sirius' length into his mouth. James had clearly been paying attention to Sirius' fantasies because although it was obvious he'd never done this before it was also clear that he was doing his best to copy the things that he'd heard Sirius say he wanted.

James gaged as Sirius hit the back of his throat, and Sirius moaned again. "Fuck!" Sirius tried his best to stop his hips from jerking. But when James, still gagging, started to suck Sirius knew it was a lost cause. "James!" Sirius groaned again. "So good, fuck. Your mouth is so hot, so tight. I can't stand it." Sirius moaned, and then moaned again, his hips pumping of their own accord. "Love knowing you've never done this before." He could see James' face reddening, "James!" He seemed to lose all control over his body. "You look so good, on your knees. Wanted this for so long."

James continued to gag uncontrollably as he did his best to suck on Sirius' length as he bobbed his head up and down. Sirius started to pump sporadically, and his moaning got louder. Finally with a cry of "James!" Sirius came down James' throat. James, having no experience, was completely unprepared and chocked as hot spurts poured down his throat. Sirius's hips slowly stuttered to a halt and James brought his mouth away from Sirius' cock with a wet _pop._

James stood up slowly and took in the sight of his best friend. Sirius' pants and boxers were around his ankles, his cock glistened, and Sirius' head was still thrown back and his body was flushed. James looked away uncomfortably, and dimly noted that the bod was nowhere near as painful as it had been, although the pull was still there –just a lot more manageable. Slowly Sirius came back to himself, and finally seemed to process what had just happened.

"James" Sirius breathed in abject horror. "You, I—"

"It's—" James had meant to say fine but the word stuck in his throat. He watched as Sirius hastily started pulled up his trousers. "Don't." The word flew out of James' mouth, unbidden.

Sirius froze, his trousers around his knees. He stared at James. "What?" He watched as James flushed scarlet.

"I- Fuck. Fuck." James' breathing was labored and he was staring at Sirius, his eyes trailing up and down. It was then that Sirius realized what was going on. He glanced at James' crotch. _Oh. Oh! _"Pads." James sounded alarmed and aroused at the same time. Sirius met James' eyes. "I didn't mean to say that." Sirius could see that James was panicking a little.

"James…" Sirius wasn't sure what to say. He stared at the prominent bulge in James pants, and unintentionally licked his lips. James spun around, facing away from Sirius. Where had that come from? Why had he said that? Why was he...

James had never been interested in men, it had never even occurred to him. Even after finding out that Sirius was in love with him he hadn't considered it. During their date he hadn't considered it. He couldn't figure out why he was having this reaction now. He felt like a teenager having an identity crisis. He felt Sirius' hand on his arm, and turned to look at him.

"James, you don't need to be ashamed." And it wasn't until Sirius said it that James realized that that was why he was freaking the fuck out. "This" Sirius gestured vaguely at James' hips "doesn't necessarily mean anything. You just gave me a blowjob, and I was rather, ah, vocal." Sirius flushed. "Sometimes you can't help the way you react."

James was still breathing heavily, and heat was pooling in his gut. His trousers felt very restrictive. "You were pretty vocal yeah." James cock got harder at the thought, remembering some of the things Sirius had said. James had never been with anyone so, so loud before. "I've never… with anyone so…." He felt like a child, too embarrassed to actually say it out loud. He was twenty nine years old, he shouldn't be this awkward. But this was Sirius, and that changed everything.

"Oh." Sirius said, his face unreadable. He stared at James. "I'm not usually, but you're different. I feel stronger about you, I couldn't control myself." James was still hard, Sirius noted. Sirius thought about what James had said. "You've never been with anyone that vocal?"

James shook his head, "You'd have known if I had. The bond would have made me tell you."

Sirius tilted his head. "So when I said that you were hot, on your knees for me…. No one has ever talked like that with you?"

"You know what it was like with Lily for me; we had sex on a schedule for fuck's sake."

"I can't imagine that, if it were me I doubt I'd have been able to stop myself."

"I" James stared at Sirius, his pupils blown wide and the bond pulled him to say what he was thinking. "I like the thought of that."

Sirius could feel his cock jolt at the words. He stared at his best friend. James had only given him that blowjob because of the bond. Because he'd have died eventually if he hadn't. And now James was flushed, his breathing labored, and his cock hard. Sirius had wanted to see James in this state for so long, he was having trouble controlling himself. But to hear James say that, to realize that the reason James was turned on was because of Sirius himself, brought warmth throughout Sirius' body. But Sirius could see that James was on the verge of having a complete breakdown. James didn't have a problem with anyone being gay, but James was straight. Had always been straight. So to be suddenly turned on by a man, and not just any man but your best friend –someone that James was closer to then imaginable due to the bond- was jarring, and scary. Like everything you knew was being ripped away.

Sirius was familiar with the feeling. He also knew that it didn't necessarily mean anything, that it could be a one off. It happened. James needed time to think by himself before he had to talk the situation to death as the bond was already pulling them to do. Sirius needed to ease the panic he could see in James' eyes. "It okay James. We don't need to do this right now. Go to bed, take a while to think. we can talk later." James breathed a sigh of relief, and turned to go upstairs.

* * *

Well there we go! I was defintely _NOT_ intending for anything more then a kiss to happen between Sirius and James, but they had a mind of their own. Leave me a review and let me know what you think!

Next chapter we move back into the real plotline of the story and catch up with the other characters.


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